Whine Tasting

Bitter: Never a positive, flavorful experience. Yet, for some insane, unfathomable, ridiculously evil reason, I keep reaching for that cup of hurtful, horrible hemlock again and again and again. Some days, I actually PREFER the putrid aftertaste of resentment, shame, guilt and envy. “Gimme a double! I am gonna drown my consistently successful effort and positive forward progress, thank you!!” Hiccup. Belch. Wipe my life on my sleeve.

I know that most human beings on this planet can have a little whine and stop. Not me. I suck on that terrible (teat, tit) of trauma until the whine gushes out my ears, eyes, nose, etc. I will reach the verbal vomit stage quicker and quicker the older I get, more successful I am, or clean and soberer I become. Purists of the English language, forgive me please, but there is more. Get the barfbags ready. Here are some new First Thought Wrong-isms for definitions of words we thought we knew. Each of these is based on current events, personal experience or informed opinion. Here we go:

  1. Newcomer. (definition):  This year’s vintage; young whine
  2. Speeding ticket. (definition):  Fine Whine
  3. Old Resentment.  (definition):  Crying over split M.I.L.F
  4. County Courthouse Clerk’s Window.  (Definition):  Whine glass
  5. Holding Cell. (definition):  Whine in a box
  6. Recolory. (definition):  A) the act of placing ethnic personalities before spiritual principles. B)  The practice of prioritizing skin tone above recovery, to the point of penalizing the entire fellowship.  C) red whine, white whine, etc.

Ok, so I could go on and on, right?! But isn’t that what whiners do?! We turn a hangnail into an amputation of the arm. Nothing satisfies a specialist in the complaint department like more! Give me what I loathe.

The problem with developing drama is that it rolls downhill… and OVER people who were not involved previously. Think of the times your whine has spilled onto other people who were not even “at the party” until you dragged them into it. Not a very happy event for someone who wasn’t interested in your celebration of narcissistic existence, negative influence and dedication to destruction. Can you blame normal people (normal always means “most” in this column) for not wanting to RSVP to your whine tasting? Seriously, have you ever considered someone else a whine expert? How do they sound? Answer: Probably a lot like you when you do it.

Nothing on earth is as easy to do as bitch about what is happening at any given time in our lives. Even a gripe about what is NOT happening is simple sabotage. I love the cretin who says “puke-a-puke, blabbety-boop, wah-wah-wah!” and then adds the futile attempt at a disclaimer: “I’m just telling it like it is!” Well, maybe your flavor of telling it… keeps it… just… like… it is. Try something (anything) else besides complaining! Whine not! Just for today, one complaint-free day at a time. What have you got to lose?… besides your temper? Composure? Dignity? Mind?

Thank you for indulging my drunken delivery of a silly, liquid analogy – metaphor? – of/for a pastime that is all too common, all too present and soooo easily avoidable. So, with regrets and apologies to Nike and the grape growers of the world, here is a toast to all of you: Whine, just DON’T do it.

Bitchin & Moanin about
Bitchin & Moanin,

Mark L.

P.S.  I’m not judgin’, I’m just sayin’

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